I started writing this to show me how strong i am. 45 days ago what I thought could be the worst possible thing on earth occurred, I lost the guy I thought I wanted to be the one. Before you start judging me that I dumb enough to feel this much hurt solely because I am no longer with a guy, I want you to consider how you would feel if you were in my shoes. Imagine seeing a guy (we will call him J) in your master’s program orientation and thinking to yourself “I want him!” and telling your best girlfriend in the program that you were going to get him; then imagine everyone around you telling you that you guys would be good together as he started flirting with you and you tried to ignore it. Now imagine that a guy that you have meet long before the program (we’ll call him M), who also has been talking to a girl on-n-off for a while is the closest guy friend that you have at the school and you become increadibly close. Not even to mention that M is of your same race and religion [both very important traits] and that J is of a different race entirely, not that it is a bad thing as I believe race adds to the beauty of someone’s character and makes them as marvelously complex as they can be. Now imagine that you and J begin to study together for a midterm after you ditch studying with M just so you could help J and get to know him more. After your study session you need to go on a walk to destress and he gladly says that he will walk with you. Upon leaving you ask him if he is talking to anyone else and after he denies it you ask what would happen if you kissed him and lean in and gently feel his lips for the first time. Now imagine that you go home thinking there is no way that this guy could ever like me so I need a degree of seperation to protect my heart from the pain it may feel; then you do the worst thing you could have ever done in any relationship. The next day at school you tell him that you like M so that he would not be able to break your heart, but right after saying it you wish you had not. What was once so simple and so natural now began to feel like a game just to get his attention as he now tells you that he is talking to someone else as well. That was October 30 and it was not until June that you began to feel bliss while being around him. For the time in between you put in 150% of you to try to make him like you and claim that he likes you. After months of being in the shadow and no one really knowing about you two, people are finally starting to refere to you as S&J and assumign that where one is, there the other would be. Now, imagine that the day before your birthday he surprises you to ice cream that you thought would only be your family [although someone leaked that he would be there] and the next day on your birthday he meets yoru sister, who has never meet anyone you werent serious about. For a week after everythign is perfect and he even gives you a monogramed bracelet as a birthday gift. Here comes the hard part; imagine one day that you are on your way to the hospital to visit a friend when J asks to come with you before he goes to study w M. you state that you would not go with him becuase you didnt like the way M responded to your relationship with J and that you would study alone, but at the hospital M calls you off Js phone and asks you to come help him with something. As you three are studying you notice that M is feeling down and know that him and his girl are going through so mich and may even break up [not knowing that they really did] so you ask to walk M out to his car to talk to him. M tells you how he feels and there are much time that has passed. As you hug M good-bye he is almost in tears crying into your shoulder and not letting you walk away from him. As you are literally pulling him away from you J walks out and sees the interaction as well as a guilty look on M’s face. Although I understand that anyone would be upset to see that, J ignores the issue and proceeds to ignore you for a week. After you give him space for a week you contact him to meet the next day and you both decide to meet at a starbucks and where your biggest fears come to life; you are now “on a break”.
What the hell does a break mean anyways? And how does 9+ months of loyalty not mean anything to how I truly feel about you? How does a conversation we had merely days before this of you meeting my parents and teh time line of our relationship not show you how committed i am to the idea of “us”?
After a week of not talking [and two weeks after the incident] J begins to hit you up asking for help with homework and you all but immediately answer with all the help that you can give, even do some of his parts for our entire group project. Yet, even after all this, when you hit him up for a drink so that you can reconnect [and somehow find closure through the thousands of questions you have] he is unavailable to meet up with you. I understand that life happens, but to never get back to me is a different story.
It is safe to say that I have never felt this way before. Even with other significant others that I was involved with for more time than J have been able to get out of my head after a mere 4-6 days, not over a month! I think the hardest thing to comprehend is that even an independent woman like me can become so weak and attached to someone that it effects me for this long.
Whats the issue you may ask? the overflooding and novel emotions that I am feeling. That even in this moment of feeling completely betrayed, used and thrown away, I still feel sadness for losing him and extreme pain knowing that something i did not intend to happen could cause so much pain for him. You may say “forget him” or “hes a loser for not being official in the first place” or “he should have believed you” I am notorious for making excuses for those I love and for that I feel like I am incredibly attached to him.
So this, this is where I vent to how I feel, how I miss him, how now that I have to see him at school I will never be able to truly heal the scars that are there…. and this is how i choose to document my journey to reality
This woman deserves a round of applause and a throne of gold. This is the most realistic & amazing thing for someone to say for this generation of students. I wasn’t able to go to college this year because my parents can’t afford to send me and I had every scholarship, grant, loan known to man and it still wouldn’t work. Finally someone gets it!
WHAT DOES IT TAKE FOR PEOPLE TO REALIZE THIS?!
SO MANY OTHER COUNTRIES EITHER PAY FOR THEIR POPULATIONS’ EDUCATION OR JUST WRITE OFF THE BILL IF DOESN’T GET PAID FOR.
THE WAY THE AMERICAN EDUCATION SYSTEM WORKS IS BACKWARDS AND MANGLED.
This is too real right now
It’s one thing to miss someone’s presence and it’s a whole other thing to miss them kissing your forehead and holding your arm or just hugging you for hours. It’s different when you crave someone. That’s when the pain really hits, when you think of the times they filled the void with simple things that no one else could, when they know what makes you happy, when they like you back but you mess it up trying to help someone else. I know you know what pain feels like, but you should thank god you don’t have to crave the person. I crave him more than food and just to have him next to me as someone who likes me was something I took for granted.